Starting from your first paragraph in your rough
draft, I think you did a good job explaining Carr’s view point. Also, that you
state clearly your opposing view point to Carr’s, but I think you can make your
example stronger rather than writing that the internet doesn’t agree with Carr.
I liked that you added that you just like everyone else has skimmed through
books and articles and not just the internet. But overall your evidence is
sufficient. (The S, from STAR)
Second paragraph, I liked the first quote you gave because it flows with
the point you are trying to come across. The second quote is a good one but
seems too long for a quote; maybe you could try and paraphrase it. This helps
with the typical in your argument (The T, from STAR).
In
the third paragraph, you have good points that opposes with Carr’s viewpoints
but if you rearrange the two quotes so they wouldn’t be one right after the
other it can make your point come across more clearly because your point is
being lost. It seems that there is too much information you can make this
paragraph longer or divide it into two.
In the fourth paragraph you show Carr’s
weaknesses in his article. It shows the potential of accuracy (The A, from
STAR) in your essay. You can add a quote
or statement from a person from the articles or journals you have found to
support your clam further and get the accuracy you need in your argument. It
also clearly shows the Relevance (the R, from STAR) in your essay.
Lastly your conclusion, I liked the how you summed up your argument.
Your essay was well written, just needs a little proof reading. I also scanned
you your essay back with a few marks to help you in your final draft. There
were good examples as well, to support your argument, maybe add another to
strengthen your argument even further. Your essay was clear and it shows the
angle you are coming across from. The reason you presented were logical and I
have seen them and their effectiveness. With the arguments you have presented,
I think it would win over some skeptics as well as neutral audiences. Hopefully
this would help you with your final draft; if you need to reach me I sent you, my
contact information via email. Good Luck!
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